He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize