I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
