weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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