i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
