Got a toothbrush?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
