I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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