FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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