after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Help. Why am I so naked?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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