We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
