I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
