There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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