chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize