If i come over, it means nothing
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
