so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
