Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
