You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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