between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
