I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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