Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
high people should be assigned attendants
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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