Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
