Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
foreskin is a definite game changer
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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