What a fucking waste of an outfit
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
