I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
