I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
