Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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