i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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