Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
