Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
