This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
