the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
if only i could text you this smell
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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