my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Congratulations! We have a period
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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