I love having hate sex.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
