we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
