Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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