I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize