You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
one two three fourrrrnication!
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
