mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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