1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
