I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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