this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
