i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
