Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
