Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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