I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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