hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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