I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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