if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
