i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Your cock deserves a montage
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
