In the future we'll all be gay
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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