I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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