He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
