i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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