Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
