I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
