Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
