every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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