I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Randomize
