Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
we're so committed to being not committed
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
