dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
