This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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