Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
