I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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