sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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