Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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