Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
